You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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