There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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