Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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