Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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