On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
