My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize