Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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