she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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