Betty ford says i'm here all night
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
