I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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