im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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