He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Randomize
