i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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