Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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