I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
