My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
