You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
this will be a night to untag.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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