So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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