were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
