I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
