At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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