his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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