cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize