This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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