my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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