They should really pass out barf bags in church
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
