just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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