To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
