just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
