I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
