Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
