To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
