To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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