What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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