Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize