i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
