If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
