I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize