I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
