he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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