were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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