so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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