I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
