I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just blew my weed a kiss
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Just pee around me
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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