Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
