The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
