Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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