Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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