I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
