i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
and you fell through a lawn chair
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
