i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
