Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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