When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
