Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
