i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
