I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
