Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
