My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
