i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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