I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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