Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
