Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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